It’s okay not to be okay.
This is something I’ve always had trouble with getting to grips with. I don’t like people to see me emotionally vulnerable and weak. I’ve managed to keep a facade going, where everyone in my life thinks I’m strong and that I don’t give a shit about anything or anyone, that I’m capable of shutting down straight away and switching off towards a person if they hurt me, like it never mattered. Truth is, I’m really struggling right now. My walls that protected my cover have come crashing down and I’m not okay and I need to admit that.
I’m tired. I’m tired of being strong all the time and keeping it together for everyone else in my life. I’m tired of people having expectations of me that I can’t achieve just yet. I don’t have the strength to keep this up anymore and pretend that I’m alright. I’m tired of relying on other people when all they do is let me down. I’m tired of moping around feeling sorry for myself when all I’ve wanted to do for a very long time is to get back to that confident, self assured girl I used to be.
Throughout the last five years, I’ve never been on my own. I’ve always been looking for another person in my life, constantly searching for someone who will be by my side and obsessed with the idea of having someone love me because the truth is I don’t even love myself. I haven’t for a very long time and I don’t know why that is. I’m terrified of being alone. And it’s hard to admit that but I have to because it’s the only way I’m going to get better.
I need to find myself again and It’s going to take time. I’m taking responsibility for my life and accepting that I lost myself but it’s time to get back to who I was without relying on someone else. Learning to pick yourself up after going through a tough time is something so important that no-one can ever teach you but I need to do this alone and it’s going to be tough but I know that I can do it.
You have to go through your Elle Woods crying in a bunny costume phase to be able to get to your Elle Woods kicking ass at Law School/Life Phase. Here goes nothing.